Monday, August 09, 2004

State of The Pam Address?

A few summers ago things were really crazy in my life and sometimes when I was just sitting still I had a feeling like I was in a car skidding sideways at high speed. It happened quite often, probably daily. At the time I thought it was an interesting phenomenon, but I didn't take it for the physical metaphor that it was.
The following winter things got worse and I was amazed every day when I was able to wake up, take a shower and get dressed. Those simple acts all seemed to take a heraculean effort. If I hadn't been so into karate and the way it taught me discipline and to carry on through the pain I'm not sure what would have happened to me. I think I somehow got into karate beforehand to obtain the skills to get me through what came later.
I didn't let too many people know what I was going through back then, just a couple of friends. I certainly never said anything to anyone in my family about it. I was pretty miserable though.
I was willing to suffer through a lot back then, but not willing to make a move to change the way things were.I suppose from the outside things look more extreme now, what with me moving and moving again and dealing with lawyers and papers and what not, but I never feel like I'm skidding sideways. I sleep well at night and I wake up in the morning pretty happy to face the day. My appetite is generally okay and my weight is staying steady. I get butterflies in my stomach sometimes and there are days where all I really feel like doing is losing myself in my latest craft project (just finished a poncho for my daughter tonight, actually), but that's something I've enjoyed doing for years.
What's my point here? I guess it is that I know some people are not too happy with the decisions I am making about my life right now, but I am satisfied with these decisions. They didn't come about suddenly from out of the blue. In my heart and in my gut I know I'm doing what I know I have to do.

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