Pace

How much time counts as long enough? A month? Three months? A year? Fourteen years?
These days people like to tell me I need to give things time and not make decisions too quickly. It seems to me that a lot of what ails me came from taking and wasting too much time. I think the ones telling me to wait just want time to catch up with me. They can take their time. I can take my own.

Holiday Weekend

So, here it is Monday evening of Memorial Day Weekend. What did I do? Spent Saturday relaxing at home while the roofers pounded up on the roof. Went exploring on Sunday with my daughter and scoped out a good swimming spot for the summer, figured out which road to take to get to the town landing in Durham and then went back through the fields on this farm to walk down to the river. We saw two lady's slippers down there. The horses let us be, but one stood guard, keeping her eye on us the whole time. I chatted with my landlady a while and found out about a trail that leads off the property up to a Buddhist camp. Today I took my girl to Newington, where we got her some summer clothes, sandals and a bathing suit and got me a bathing suit, a pair of shorts and a job application.

Purity Test

Last night I took a 1000 questionPurity Test . Despite some initial apprehension about how I'd score on it and what that would reveal about me to the person I took it with, I ended up with what I consider a rather reasonable score of 71.5% pure. At this age, I figure that's not too bad. Actually, I figure I have a quite a bit of room for improvement, or debasement, as the case may be.

Good Luck, Leonardo!

Well, this is new. I opened this expecting just another bank scam spam letter, but this was much more interesting reading.

From: "Leonardo Vivaldi"
Date: Wed May 28, 1958 10:00:00 AM America/New_York
Subject: Lady read my letter please
Reply-To: legreats@hotmail.com

HI

THIS IS A SPECIAL LETTER FOR LADIES ONLY.

Maybe you have received the same message yesterday,
I had a pc problem yesterday so i'm sending it again but after today you won't receive it anymore because i will delete my email list.

I'M AN ITALIAN GUY,I LIVE IN ITALY AND MY NAME IS LEONARDO.
I'm writing to you because maybe you can help me.

HERE IN ITALY I DON'T HAVE A GOOD FUTURE BECAUSE THERE
IS THE RECESSION-THE DOWN SWING CAUSATED BY OUR NEW MONEY-THE EURO AND ALSO CAUSATED BY
OUR GOVERNMENT THAT IS NOT ABLE TO GIVE A HIGHER SALARY TO THE PEOPLE,NOW OUR SALARIES
VALUE THE HALF AND THE PRICES OF THE THINGS ARE ALMOST THE DOUBLE. HERE IN ITALY MY LIFE IS
IN DANGER BECAUSE IS GETTING ALWAYS MORE DIFFICULT TO SURVIVE WITHOUT SALARY AND I'M LUCKY THAT I STILL
LIVE WITH MY PARENTS.I'M HERE BECAUSE I'M
LOOKING FOR A SUGARMAMMA IN USA AND LATER I COULD ALSO FIND SOMETHING TO DO LIKE JOB I MEAN.
I HAVE BEEN TO FLORIDA ONCE BECAUSE I HAD A GIRLFRIEND BUT SHE LEFT ME BECAUSE "UNFORTUNATELY"
SHE FOUND ANOTHER MAN WHEN I CAME BACK TO ITALY FOR HEALTH REASONS. I WANT TO COME BACK TO
FLORIDA BECAUSE HERE THERE'S NO FUTURE AND I'M LOOKING FOR A WEALTHY LADY WHO LIVES IN THE FAMOUS
"TREASURE COAST",I MEAN NORTH EAST BROWARD COUNTY OR EAST PALM BEACH COUNTY BUT I'M ALSO AVAIBLE TO TALK TO
WOMEN FROM ALL THE UNITED STATES.


I'M IN LOVE WITH FLORIDA BECAUSE I LOVE WARM PLACES,PALM TREES AND NATURE AND I WOULD BE INTERESTED IN DELRAY BEACH ,
BOCA RATON,PALM BEACH,GOLDEN BEACH,HIGHLANDS BEACH,LAUDERDALE BY THE SEA,ADMIRALS COVE,MANALAPAN,CORAL SPRINGS,JENSEN BEACH,BOYNTON BEACH,
DEEPWATER,HUTCHINSON ISLAND OR JUPITER.

CONSIDERING THAT I LIKE THE MATURE WOMEN AND CONSIDERING I KNOW THAT THERE ARE MANY
WEALTHY WOMEN AND MANY OF THESE WOMEN FEEL LONELY OR DOWN
TOO....I'D LOVE TO FIND AN OLDER WOMAN.I 'D LOVE TO FIND A GENTLE LADY WHO LIVES IN A ROMAN,FRENCH OR SPANISH STYLE
SWIMMING POOL HOUSE NEAR THE SEA OR INTRACOASTAL-(I KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE FOR ALL THE UNITED STATES AS THE
SWIMMING POOLS AND THE SPANISH HOUSES ARE NOT COMMON EVERYWHERE )-AGE 40/55 YO,WITHOUT YOUNG OR OLD CHILDREN,A NO SMOKER LADY
WHO COULD BE WIDOWED,SEPARATED,SINGLE OR DIVORCED AND COULD TAKE CARE OF ME.I THINK
THAT SHE COULD BE OUT THERE AND I COULD ALSO FIND SOMETHING TO DO THERE MAYBE LATER.

WITH THIS ,
I 'M NOT SAYING THAT I WANT A MILLIONAIRES
,IF THERE'S ONE THAT'S OK BUT I JUST SEEK A RICH WOMAN AND I THINK THAT SHE
WOULD BE HAPPY AND I WOULD BE HAPPY STAYING WITH HER TOO..I'D LIKE AN AMERICAN LADY
OR ALSO A LATIN LADY. I'D LIKE A WOMAN THAT FIGURES OUT OF THE YEARS ,LOOKS YOUNG OR
LOOKS GOOD AND FEELS YOUNG ,SHE COULD BE A SEX BOMB OR NOT, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM IF SHE
IS A LITTLE BIT OVERWEIGHT...OR BUSTY...OR IF SHE IS NOT BEAUTIFUL ,SHE SHOULD BE
BEAUTIFUL INSIDE............
I JUST WOULD LIKE A WOMAN WHO FEELS SEXY AND MOST OF ALL..SHE SHOULD
DESIRE A YOUNGER SOULMATE. Being openminded i could accept a lady even if she is
bisexual. I HAVE LONG BROWN HAIR, BROWN EYES,MY WEIGHT IS 65 KILOS/145 LBS AND MY
HEIGHT IS 1.80 METRES/5.11...I'M NO SMOKER/DRINKER AND I'M VERY GOOD LOOKING .
IF YOU THINK YOU COULD BE THE KINDA WOMAN I'M LOOKING FOR WRITE ME SOON PLEASE.
SOMETIMES THE PEOPLE THINK THAT I'M NOT REAL AND I'M A JOKE BUT IT'S NOT SO AND I'M HERE BECAUSE I NEED
HELP AND I THINK THAT IF IT'S TRUE THAT THE RUSSIAN WOMEN SEEK "RICH AMERICAN MEN" AND THIS IS A NORMAL
THING THEN IT'S ALSO A NORMAL THING THAT "NOW" "HERE" RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU,AN ITALIAN MALE,
SEEKS AN AMERICAN WOMAN FOR UNION and I'M NOT A JOKE.

IT WOULDN'T HAVE SENSE BECAUSE THIS IS ONE OF THE FEW CHANCES I HAVE TO SURVIVE.

-A NOTE FOR THE GAY MEN:

I RESPECT EVERYONE BUT I DON'T LIKE AND I'M NOT INTERESTED IN MEN SORRY.
I 'M STRAIGHT AND I JUST SEEK A LADY BECAUSE I ADORE THE LADIES.
THEN, GAY MEN OR TRANSEX DON'T BOTHER ME!
I DON'T NEED YOU!

-I'M RECEIVING MANY ANSWERS BUT I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND A WOMAN OF THE AGE RANGE I WANT.
something about me:
I especially like long dark haired women but this doesn't mean that this message is not for the blondes.


THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR READING MY LETTER
AND I HOPE TO FIND THE WOMAN I'M LOOKING FOR.


CHEERS

LEONARDO VIVALDI -italy

A Roof Over My Head

My landlady just stopped by and told me I will probably want to vacate the premises early tomorrow morning because the roofers will start working on replacing the roof over my bedroom at 7am. Heh, they're not going to find me asleep there when they start crawling up over the skylight anyway.
It has been cold and rainy for the past several days. We had the most perfect weather last week. It was sunny and in the 70s. All the trees and lawns were as newly green as can be and the lilacs were in full bloom. It was so gorgeous my eyes hurt. Now it's just cold, dreary, drizzly and in the 40s or 50s. The kind of days that make me want to curl up on the couch with a book and a blanket. I'm wondering why I haven't done that yet. I've been too busy trying to maintain the level of cleanliness in this apartment! At least it keeps me moving around. If I get moving and get all my errands done I may be able to grab myself an hour or so of couch time, but I also just discovered the dvd collection the guy I'm subletting from left here for me. He has a lot of good movies, including quite a few I always meant to see but never have.

Just

I have started to notice that I begin a lot of sentences with "I just thought..." or "I just wanted to..."
What's with the "just"? The implication being "merely". It's a diminisher. A way to make what I have to say of less importance than what someone else might think. I catch myself doing it constantly. Lately I tend to remove the "just" when I notice it.

Gulp!

One potential drawback of having multiple blogs all on one site is that you can occasionally get a bit panic stricken at the thought that you might have posted something in the wrong place, like I did just now. Thank goodness it was a false alarm.
And I know the question any thinking person would have, "If it's so private, why put it on a blog?" I put it on a blog because it's faster for me to write on a computer than by hand, I don't have to worry about my data being erased when my hard drive dies (as they always seem to do eventually), I can access it no matter where I am as long as I have internet access and I don't really mind the possibility of an audience as long as I can remain anonymous. Maybe it's just vanity, but I feel like more of a writer when I think I may possibly have a reader or two.

Catching Zzzz and other benefits of freedom

Last night, for the first time in months, I got a solid eight hours of sleep. I'm sleeping well again. I'm eating well again. I believe the worst has passed. I've been in my own place for over a week now (well, I was away for a fair-sized chunk of that week, but it's definitely part of the new freedom) and I have to say that life rocks.
My mom came over to visit today. She was my first family visitor. Of course, my sister had to call just after mom got here, giving her the excuse to guilt trip me the tiniest bit about not inviting her over yet. Mom was very impressed with the place and very impressed with me. I filled her in on a few more details and developments in my life. When she left she told me she was very proud of me and told me I am a 100% gal. I thought that was sweet.

NATIONAL NO-PANTIES DAY!

Well, what do you know? I guess No Pants Day just wasn't enough for some people. According to Crazy Tracy today is National No-Panties Day. Not sure what her source is or if she's just trailblazing, but I think we should all join in and celebrate.
.

Spontaneous Combustion

They can think what they want.
I get to chose.
They can say what they want.
I know whose truth is whose.
They can fear all they want.
For it might be them tomorrow.
They can live how they want
Always swallowing their sorrow.

They can think what they want
is the way it's always been.
They can say that they think
that it's some kind of a sin.
They can fear all they want
but I no longer buy it.
They can keep the way it was,
I've already said goodbye to it.

Speaking of Roads

I am driving new roads and driving them a lot. This new arrangement is involving a whole lot of time in the car, but it's not too bad. I've managed to get my daughter to school on time both yesterday and today even though we have gone from a 2 minute drive to a 20-25 minute commute. This morning I even took the time to check out the drive through coffee place that's right on the way. The coffee was indeed as good as the guy there promised me it would be and it seemed like a cool, friendly place to make a part of my morning routine. Brewing a pot of coffee just to drink one cup seems like it takes too much time and effort in my hectic morning routine.
I submitted final grades and finished up a small translation job that I promised to have in by today. It seems a lot of loose ends have been neatened. I've got a few days off now. I seem to have earned myself a little break in the action and a chance to get away and relax. I don't think anyone will deny that I'm due.

New Roads

Everything feels a little weird right now. Not bad weird, but certainly different. I'm driving all new roads, most of them very rural. I like it. I like a lot of things about this new arrangement. It seems to suit me so far. It's just begun, but I believe it's right where I belong.

New Home, Same Blog

Now that I am moved into my new apartment and have had a couple of days to start to settle in, I've reconsidered my decision to abandon this blog. I don't need to look over my shoulder anymore in my own home or on my own blog. If you happen to know me in real life and choose to read this, don't think you're doing anyone any favors by putting your own spin on what I write and passing it along. In other words, don't read it if you think it's going to bother you to know what's here. I write this for myself more than I write it for anyone else.
Last week I found out a lot of people have been talking behind my back and speculating on what exactly is going on with me. Everything I've heard that they've come up with is a lot more out of control than anything I'm actually doing. They can all just chill. I know what I'm doing. It might take me a while to figure out how to be me without worrying about what the reaction from the peanut gallery will be, but I'll get there.

Tones of Home

What do you think they would say
If I stood up and I walked away
Nobody here really understands
me, and so I'll wave goodbye, I'm fine
Tones of home
Said you don't like the way I'm living
Tones of home
And so I wave goodbye
I'm flyin, I'm flyin home

Blind Melon

Vonnegut is Worth Breaking the Silence For

Cold Turkey

And now I can explain exactly why I define myself as a liberal.

Mother's Day

I survived Mother's Day, thank you. The best part of the day was playing tooth fairy to my daughter. Do you have any idea how hard it is to root around under a pillow that is being slept on in search of a small, child-size tooth without waking up the child sleeping on said pillow? She left a note for the Tooth Fairy and asked the Tooth Fairy to write back. The Tooth Fairy does not disappoint.
That right there is what Mother's Day is all about. It's not about any of the other bullshit and wild accusations I had to weather during the course of the day.

Eye on Japan

The New York Times > International > Asia Pacific > Japanese Find a Forum to Vent Most-Secret Feelings
This is another insightful article by Norimitsu Onishi for The New York Times. If you have a (free) membership to the site and an interest in modern Japanese society, keep an eye out for his work. You need to pay for access to articles more than 7 days old. Depending on what you need it for, it could well be worth it.

A Reprieve

Word around the trenches has it that my intermediate class now has enough students registered for it to fly next semester. When I sent my boss an email asking about it he said it looked like the class would run, but he wasn't 100% sure yet. What I really want to know is why the hell the administration was ready to cancel it a full week before registration ended. Fine. Lovely. Whatever. The threat of a cancellation was a shock to me, but it was just one more piece of shocking news in a week full of them.
What really weighs on my mind is when I can move into the new apartment. I went over today to meet the guy I'm subletting from and the owner of the property. That went well. The apartment is great. And I'll be in by next Saturday at the latest. Yes, it could really be yet another week until I can go, but the lease is signed and my check has been cashed so it's going to happen eventually.
Every day feels like a week. My secret that I didn't really want to be a secret anyway seems to be slipping out and that's okay with me. I'm shedding my old skin and everyone is just going to have to stand back and deal with what I am becoming. I'm becoming less of what they expect and becoming more of me.

Still Here

Another Friday afternoon and I'm still in this house. It's beautiful here, especially this time of year. The leaves have all come out. The daffodils and violets are blooming. The lilacs will be next. In spring time you won't find a place that is much more charming to look at than this. But I still don't want to be here. This is a war of attrition, but I refuse to give. The word weary does often spring to mind, though.

It's Thursday? I Must Be In Counseling.

My tasks for the week are 1) to concentrate on finding ways to seek support rather than ask for permission. As in, I can go ahead and stop feeling like I have to justify myself to everyone in order to gain their approval. 2) to recognize that privacy and secrecy are not the same thing. I am allowed my privacy. I think once I get a handle on that I'll become a lot less concerned with secrecy.

Take a Walk

I took some good advice yesterday and went for a walk with my dog in the woods and fields. There are not many sights more beautiful to me than watching that pup fly and frolic with a huge grin on his face. I managed to stay pretty clean despite the mud. The dog was a mess so I had to give him a quick bath as soon as we got home. There were no ticks to be found either.
I called my mother last night to drop the news about the possible class cancellation and to figure out a plan for Mother's Day. I love my mother dearly, but "What are you going to do about a job?" is not a question I am prepared to answer right at this very moment. The more I spoke with her, the more I realized that she lacks a lot of information about my situation at the moment (and she doesn't read the blog). I also realized I am under no obligation to expose all the details to her. I love her. She loves me. She wishes the best for me and wants to see me happy and not under quite this much stress. It bothers me to make her worry. Same goes for my dad. But it's my life, not theirs. They are just going to have to trust that I know what I'm doing.

All We Need Is Just a Little Patience

Here it is-- eclipse day. The actual eclipse will take place in about 40 minutes. I think I got my big hit from it yesterday. At least I hope that was the big hit.
I spoke with the real estate agent not long ago and have a little more info on when I can move into the new place. In short, the answer is, not as soon as I had hoped. I will go by early on Saturday morning for the tour and to learn how to use the washing machine, where the circuit breaker is, etc. Looks like I won't be able to actually move in until early next week.
If I had known about all the delays I would have probably gone ahead and rented a different apartment that had a lease from May 1. I can't say that would have ultimately been a better decision because it would have locked me into a one year committment. I'm just doing the best I can with it all with the information available to me at the time. One more week isn't so bad, I suppose. This news is not thrilling me. I would love to just escape for the weekend, but of course Sunday is Mother's Day.

You Know What?

Yeah, lots of shitty things are happening in my life right now. So what? None of them are life threatening. None of them are going to mess me up for good. None of them will probably even matter to me all that much six months or a year from now.
I've been in tighter spots. I've lived through worse. I just went out and bought a new box of Emer'gen-C Super Energy Booster Fizzing Drink Mix and Organic Echinacea Plus Tea so I don't let myself get sick with all the ups and downs of the roller coaster. I'll keep doing yoga. I'll keep remembering to breathe and eat and sleep and smile. It'll all work out just fine.

Please, Sir! May I Have Another!

Just when you were probably thinking it can't get a whole lot wors for me, it can. Of course it can.
Got an email from my boss this morning informing me that registration for one of the three classes I am scheduled to teach next fall is extremely low and the class is in imminent danger of being cancelled. Nice. (And, being a peon, of course I get paid per class.) At least it's not the class my students and I fought to get offered. That one appears to be a go.

Samurai Week

For anyone around the UNH campus:
This week the Japanese Club is pleased to present Samurai Week.
The following movies will be shown in Murkland G17:
Monday (May 3) 6pm-- Ghost Dog
Tuesday (May 4) 6:40pm-- The Seven Samurai
Wednesday (May 5) 6:40-- The Last Samurai

Free flicks. Go check them out!

Keys Found

The keys have been located.
Well, of course they have. There was no where else they could have possibly been but in the house.

Inhale, Exhale

Another opportunity to practice my zen-like composure.
I am just now ready to go out and buy new towels for the new apartment. My husband comes over to me in a fluster and demands I give him the car keys. I explain I am about to go out and use the car. He explains he wants to run the engine a little since he just changed the oil. He starts getting huffy. I recall that he was the last one to use the car yesterday. He begins to recall the same fact.
Ten minutes later he is still searching for the keys. He managed to drive himself back home so they must be around here somewhere.

My Own Triolet

Time's not moving fast enough
I thought I wasn't going to have to wait any longer
Why does it have to be this tough?
Time's not moving fast enough.
I can take it when the going's rough
It won't kill me, it'll make me stronger.
Time's not moving fast enough
I thought I wasn't going to have to wait any longer.

More Gratuitous Blogging

A meme I snagged from here.
1. Go into your blog's archives.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions
I used to read Kyoto Journal religiously.

Absolutely riveting sentence there.

I'm beginning to question my resolve to stay so straight-edgedly sober through these trying times. Well, I can question but I'm going to stick to my guns. It's a little delayed gratification game I'm playing with myself. Once I get safely ensconced in the new place I'm going to kick back and indulge in what will probably be an unseemly number of good strong drinks. Anyone care to join me? Can't give you an exact date yet, but I'm hoping it will be soon.

It's a Thrill a Minute Plane Ride

Can time possibly creep by any more slowly than on a hot Saturday afternoon spent waiting for release from the farce that is now my home life? This is worse than the damn 14 hour plane rides to Japan. How do I while away the minutes as they tick by in excruciating torpor?
1. Polish off an intellectually undemanding and cynically humourous chick book, Do You Love Me or Am I Just Paranoid: The Serial Monogamist's Guide to Love, in a couple of hours. This little book, lent to me by a saintly someone who has endured more of my bitching and moaning than all the rest of you put together and multiplied to the power of 10, has succeeded in making me laugh at myself, become even more paranoid and has also induced a slight inferiority complex because if I wasn't so busy wallowing, I could be writing my own little tome to entertain multitudes with all of my wry comments and observations, if I had any.
2. Make several failed attempts at completing Bout 3 of Bouts Raimes. I like the triolet idea but the supplied rhymes just aren't doing much for me at the moment. Nor I for them. (addendum: I came up with something. Check the link if you're in the mood to suffer.)
3. Try on all the summer casual wear I bought in another session of retail therapy last night. I'm either gaining confidence in my now slimmed down figure or suffering intense delusions of and/or aspirations to slinkiness. It's all fine for wearing around the house, but if I plan on going out in public in any of it, this is going to necessitate another retail expedition in search of bras that work with halter tops and racerback tank tops. I feel more retail therapy coming on. That could kill a few hours and the mall is air conditioned. Could be a plan.
4. Check the clock every two minutes to see if more time has passed by, because every minute that goes by is one minute closer to me being where I want to be, which is not here.
5. Moisturize my cuticles.
6. Refuse to unpack my clothes from the suitcase and resolve to leave them there until I am moved into the new apartment
7. Blog, which I now proclaim to be an anacronym for "Bitch Lengthily, Obtusely and Gratuitously".

This Is Not Hell

Sometimes all I can do it quote someone else who put it better.

This Is Not Hell
if this is hell well thats fine with me
all the wonder persumable happily
eager to follow the fool that's got into
the head of me we don't have any doubt
we're out there making friends
unconciously rolling through
meanings from pollings
the answers are meaner sometimes
than the means to our ends

so this is hell
what else could it be
bask in the glories of glorified stories
of a basket case who's just
broken himself from the weave
we are just not making sense
who really cares just how we feel
infantile ramblings of penniless gamblings
a fist full of hands swinging clubs
at our new baby zeal
yeah right

you think this is hell
would you care to bet
capture the beauty of domestic duty
the hampers are full and our
laundry's perpetually wet
think about traveling south
find the right something
you might have left
endless the road
wish your past to explode
actions remain base
but intentions in the treble clef
yeah right

this is not hell
this is purgatory
caught here in limbo
I.Q. of a dim bulb
how many gods does it take
to screw in the likes of me
you'd think one day I might learn
stare in the light and you cannot see
I've opened my doors of perception
and can't get them shut
now i feel fucked for free
everyday yeah i feel fucked for free
everyday yeah i feel fucked for free
everyday we're all fucked

I left my brain inside my other head
you can't impress me don't depress me
don't supress me just get undressed
i left my brain inside my other head
the teachers test me my father blessed me
the pigs arrest me i get upset
I left my brain inside my other head
you don't impress me don't depress me
don't supress me just undress me
the teachers test me my father blessed me
the pigs arrest me i get upset

Jimmie's Chicken Shack (The best band you've probably never heard of)