Monday, February 06, 2006

Where's My Head?

Woah,weirdness. As I typed in the title of this blog my fingers hit "rt" rather than "d" after I typed "Where's my hea". Interesting.
Let me come straight out and I say I hate this time of year, particularly this week. A big part of that is Katie and the fact that she is still no longer here and I think about her a lot when the anniversary of her death comes around. She drove me nuts and scared the shit out of me when she was alive, but I still love her and I miss her. Last year my mom gave us yahrzeit candles to light and we all talked about it before the anniversay day arrived. This is the anniversary day this year and no one has said anything, at least not to me. I'm sure we're all thinking of her though.
Sometimes I think her absence shapes so much of how I live. I feel like I have to get everything right. I have to get it all right as a daughter so my parents don't have to ever feel that kind of loss again. I have to get it all right as a mother so my girl doesn't grow up feeling as lost as Katie must have to live her life the way she did. I don't think it's my parents' fault. No one knew what was going on or how to help her find her way back. I kind of knew what was going on, but I was a kid too and had no power to make things any different. I suppose even now I don't really have the power to make sure bad things won't happen to any of us. Maybe it's just a game I play with myself, a bargain I try to strike with the powers that be-- if I do it all just right, nobody will get hurt again.

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