Saturday, December 27, 2003

And I somehow think I become invisible

Christmas was good. Presents, food, food, food, talk, talk, talk. It was relaxing and good. Now hopefully I can get over it and my seasonal disorder and start thinking about the new year and what sort of resolutions I'm making.
I do have a seasonal disorder. Every year for at least the past 2 or 3 years I have felt physically ill for the last couple of weeks of the year and every winter I need to find something to obsess on. This year it's knitting which is not only harmless, but also productive. Four years ago it was the guitar. Another fine choice. I taught myself to play and spent 3 or 4 hours a day practicing. For a couple of years after that the obsession of choice was martial arts. The discipline of it was great for me, especially after having spent a couple of years chasing after what I had thought was my will but turned out to be just really a big whim.
I mentioned the phenomenon to my mother yesterday and she asked if I thought it was due to things I'd gone through in past holiday seasons. I kind of dismissed the thought but she's probably on to something. The first time my younger sister Kate went completely and undeniably nuts was in December when I was in high school. And the last time I ever saw her was in December right before Christmas about 10 years ago. She came up from New York to visit and we all went out for Chinese food. I remember saying good bye and promising to go down to NY to visit in January, but I never called her and never went and she died in February. I doubt a couple days visit from me would have changed how anything happened with her. She was on a crash course and she struggled for so long. I fled so I wouldn't see it happen. It was all I could do in the aftermath of growing up with a sister, one year younger than me to the day, who was delusional and determined to run with that. I could see it was all going wrong, but I didn't know how to stop any of it. All the family shit that happened when I was in high school was certainly part of what led me to go so far away for so long. It was easier living in an alien world than in one filled with ghosts.
I know most everyone has their own stories and tragedies at this time of year. It's not just me. There's no sun. It's easy to want to spend your days lost in something, be it music, the computer, tv, video games, drugs, drama, drinking, narcisism, or a serious knitting habit. You just need to consider the aftermath and make the right choices.

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