Holding Pattern

So, late tomorrow night (tonight I suppose, but in reality early Friday morning) my girl is starting off on her journey to Japan with her dad for most of the month. It's kind of freaking me out. (Kind of might be an understatement.) She is going with her father and staying with her grandparents and rationally I understand that it's highly likely that everything will be fine, but the non-rational part of me is not happy that my only baby is going to be so far away from me on the other side of the planet. I'm not handling it particularly well and I'm afraid I'm going to eventually turn into one of those wacky basketcase empty-nest moms when she finishes high school and leaves for college.
When I was going through the divorce I was really afraid my ex might try to take her back to Japan, in which case I would have been screwed because Japan basically condones parental kidnapping by Japanese parents. (See here if you really want to get into). It obviously didn't happen but it was a huge fear of mine for a long time. My girl is no longer the compliant little buttercup she used to be. She's about to become a high school freshman and has that "kicking ass and taking names" attitude some kids develop at that age. (It can lead to recklessness, but it can also lead to not taking anyone else's shit, which I think is good in this situation.) I'm pretty sure one within one day her grandparents will start lamenting that she will have to leave them at the end of the month and they will do that emotional pressure thing they are so skillful at, where you feel like you should sacrifice your own interests because they're old and will be sad. (Well, I got sucked into that whole thing WAY more than I ever should have, but maybe that is just me.) I've made sure the girl has the information she needs to get help from me and several other people she can count on, if it comes to that. I'm even going to be in Japan myself for about half the time she is there. And yet, I'm still holding on to something that keeps me a twitch away from breaking into tears at any moment.
I'm mostly trying to cope by incessant internet surfing, watching stupid tv and knitting. (Kind of like a self-induced stupor without substances.) I break that up with yoga, trips to the gym and walking the dog. I feel better if I don't talk much and my appetite is pretty much shot, but that's good because it's helped me drop about 3 pounds and if I drop a couple more before I go then I will have reached the high side of an "acceptable" weight versus the actual weight I have weighed since about last summer, which is 5-10 pounds on the unacceptable side. (And which is not even all that terrible or health-threatening or anything. I just don't like those numbers.)
So, now that I've shared probably too much info, I guess I can go to bed. I think I've been staying up so late because it lets me sleep in later in the morning. This stupid wet, gloomy, sunless weather isn't helping me much either.

Splurges

Finally decided on a nice splurge to indulge in with a little of the divorce settlement money. I ordered a Panasonic PV-GS85 digital camcorder and some accessories to go along with it. It's definitely an entry level camcorder, but it's gotten some good reviews and I plan to use it at school as well as to shoot family video. I thought I was very into film-making in college, but a reviewing of those works about a year ago really made it clear that I was actually into partying too much and thinking I was being arty when I was just being drunk and making crap. Oh well. Maybe this time I'll try to film some things that have some sort of narrative involved and not make disjointed "art". (*cough, cough*)
Anyway, I'm having some issues with M&Ms these days. As in, I can't leave the damn things alone. The obvious answer is to not keep them in the house, but since they are already in the house I have to get rid of them by eating them. I've spent the last six month hovering 3-6 pounds above the "goal weight" I set at Weight Watchers. It's better to be about 5 pounds over my goal than 25, which is where I could easily be without the Weight Watchers routine, but I just can't get motivated to buckle down and do it. I've been working out at the gym 3-4 times a week since January. I take a 90 minute belly dance class once a week. I walk the dog once or twice a day on the 3 or 4 days he spends here, so I'm definitely getting more exercise than I did a year ago. I'm fit. I'm healthy. I'm medium sized. So why can't I just say Screw It and accept the five pounds? Good question. I'll have to think about what the answer is.

And the Other Reason Is This

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my reasons for going to Weight Watchers, although I don't know if I also mentioned that one of the main reasons I go is because it's something I do with my Dad, who I don't see too often otherwise.
The person I was introduced to at the meeting a couple of weeks ago was actually my Mom's hairdresser. This means she is a person who plays a central role in my mother's life, seeing as how Mom is one of those ladies who goes to the salon every week to get her hair "done". Anyway, when I called my mother last week to catch up she mentioned that the woman made the same comment to her that she made to me-- "Pam doesn't really need to go to Weight Watchers." Mom then proceeded to tell me that the reason that people say that about me is because I have a "thin face" and people really just look at that and make their assessment. It's because they aren't really looking at the rest of me.
Well, I know I would have been well within my rights to call her on that kind of comment right there. You know, stand up for myself and tell her that actually my body isn't all that gigantic and is not freakishly mismatched with my face. (vision of pinhead on balloon body dances though my head) But I know that sometimes Mom talks without thinking and can say things that she would deny actually meaning if her thought process was fully engaged as she spoke. What I did was just let her ramble on about it a bit without reacting and recognized in myself that this is probably why I have such a hang up about my weight to begin with.

That's Why I Go

Since last May I've been going to Weight Watchers meetings with my dad every Saturday morning. It's our thing. Progress has been slow for me this time around, but there is progress and I feel pretty good about how I handle my eating.
For the past couple of weeks friends of my dad have been at the meetings, either joining or re-joining. After we have been introduced and said our "nice to meet you"s both of them have looked at me and asked, "Do you need to be here?" It's a nice compliment, actually. My answer runs somewhere along the lines of "Yes. I'm very close to where I'm aiming to be", but it should more accurately be "Yes. This is how I stay out of trouble."
One thing I really like about that particular meeting is that there are a number of people near or at goal who continue to attend regularly to keep on track. There are quite a few people who look like they "don't need to be there." Sometimes I feel less accomplished since I only went in with 15 pounds to lose in the first place (this time around. My Weight Watchers experience started when I was 10 years old) and I'm still not quite there yet, but I don't think letting myself put on that extra 35 pounds I was carrying around 10 years ago just so I can lose it all again and boast of a nice big weight loss is really in my best interest.