Holding Pattern

So, late tomorrow night (tonight I suppose, but in reality early Friday morning) my girl is starting off on her journey to Japan with her dad for most of the month. It's kind of freaking me out. (Kind of might be an understatement.) She is going with her father and staying with her grandparents and rationally I understand that it's highly likely that everything will be fine, but the non-rational part of me is not happy that my only baby is going to be so far away from me on the other side of the planet. I'm not handling it particularly well and I'm afraid I'm going to eventually turn into one of those wacky basketcase empty-nest moms when she finishes high school and leaves for college.
When I was going through the divorce I was really afraid my ex might try to take her back to Japan, in which case I would have been screwed because Japan basically condones parental kidnapping by Japanese parents. (See here if you really want to get into). It obviously didn't happen but it was a huge fear of mine for a long time. My girl is no longer the compliant little buttercup she used to be. She's about to become a high school freshman and has that "kicking ass and taking names" attitude some kids develop at that age. (It can lead to recklessness, but it can also lead to not taking anyone else's shit, which I think is good in this situation.) I'm pretty sure one within one day her grandparents will start lamenting that she will have to leave them at the end of the month and they will do that emotional pressure thing they are so skillful at, where you feel like you should sacrifice your own interests because they're old and will be sad. (Well, I got sucked into that whole thing WAY more than I ever should have, but maybe that is just me.) I've made sure the girl has the information she needs to get help from me and several other people she can count on, if it comes to that. I'm even going to be in Japan myself for about half the time she is there. And yet, I'm still holding on to something that keeps me a twitch away from breaking into tears at any moment.
I'm mostly trying to cope by incessant internet surfing, watching stupid tv and knitting. (Kind of like a self-induced stupor without substances.) I break that up with yoga, trips to the gym and walking the dog. I feel better if I don't talk much and my appetite is pretty much shot, but that's good because it's helped me drop about 3 pounds and if I drop a couple more before I go then I will have reached the high side of an "acceptable" weight versus the actual weight I have weighed since about last summer, which is 5-10 pounds on the unacceptable side. (And which is not even all that terrible or health-threatening or anything. I just don't like those numbers.)
So, now that I've shared probably too much info, I guess I can go to bed. I think I've been staying up so late because it lets me sleep in later in the morning. This stupid wet, gloomy, sunless weather isn't helping me much either.

Anything to Save a Buck

Last spring the local school board voted to "privatize" custodial services at the elementary and middle schools in order to save $185,000. This meant that staff that had been employed in the schools for years and sometimes decades were let go. The new company, UGL UNICCO, which is based out of state, took over the janitorial duties about one month ago. Yesterday two of their employees were arrested for smoking pot in the middle school parking lot last Thursday night. It turns out one of those employees had been arrested for drug possession previously, but it didn't show up during his pre-employment screening.
Now the school superintendent is outraged and calling for drug screening of all UGL UNICCO employees. I'm really not surprised. I think they would have been better off keeping the staff they had. I know some of those people had nieces, nephews, kids and grandkids in these schools and they would not pull that kind of crap. But God forbid we employ people with a vested interest in the community when we could save a few bucks by hiring some outside corporation willing to make a low ball offer.
Man. The world really sucks lately.

Questioning

I question the judgment of John McCain and the advisors of the Republican party for deciding that a woman with minimal political experience, a special-needs infant and a pregnant unwed teenage daughter was the most appropriate choice for a vice presidential candidate. What was the rationale behind this decision? "She's pretty and seems like a really nice lady, so let's go for it. She'll appeal in a "Legally Blonde" meets "Juno"-ish sort of way."
I think those commercials that claim "he's out of touch" are right on the money.

I also question Sarah Palin's judgment for accepting the offer. With a 4-month old infant and a pregnant 17-year old at home, is this really a good time in her life for her to enter the jungle of presidential politics? She's young by political standards and has at least another 20 years to try to become a big shot national politician, especially since her party apparently likes her. Why not wait it out for another go round in 2012?
Future pregnancy pact teenagers (a la Gloucester) are going to have all kinds of great comebacks for angry parents now. "But why is it such a big deal that I'm pregnant at 17? The vp candidate's daughter is having a baby at 17 and her mom said she was proud of her for it. It's not a big deal. Why can't you be proud of me?"
Oy

Well, at least this takes care of those rumors that the 4-month old wasn't Palin's child, but her daughter's. Either way, I really question her judgment there, too. (I'm not the only one.) So much for abstinence education.

My girl turns 13 today. She looks and acts like a teenager. And she's growing every bit as gorgeous as I ever imagined. In turn, as the way these things go, I am fading (slowly? quickly?) On my way to becoming invisible. Something we all know happens. I'll look back on this ten years down the line and scoff at how little I knew, no doubt. Forty-three really isn't so bad, but I feel it sometimes. The incremental fading away.
At thirty-three I didn't feel age. I was not invincible as in my teens, but I was on my way to becoming my strongest. Hard. Tough. Knuckle push ups and 700 squats to start things out. Ninety minutes of mixed martial arts followed up by an hour of capoeira, just for fun. The bruises and aches were the same as they would have been if I were twenty-five. But if I had been twenty-five I probably wouldn't have had the stamina to bear it. I built a hard shell to contain everything that was falling apart.
More moderate now at forty-three. Physically things still aren't too bad. But the world sees me differently. Maybe it's because I work on a college campus, but I recognize times when I'm on the verge of being invisible. Is it them or is it me? I wonder sometimes. Not yet at the point where students tell me, "We just can't imagine you ever having been our age." Still, I speak of years and events and sometimes have to check , "Where you guys around yet when this happened?" I still say Walkman out of reflex even though I'm on my second iPod.
Sometimes I'm glad I got labeled "the fat one" or "the smart one" so early on. It meant I never banked all my self worth on beauty, which I thought I lacked. I had to find something else. I mean, I tried to do my best with what I've got. Don't we all? But good day or bad, good year or bad, appearance wasn't really what I was counting on, especially not as a young woman.
So, now mother of a teenager growing brighter. She shifts. I shift. It will be good to remind us both that how we appear to the world is secondary to who we really are and will be. She may not realize it, but someday she'll be where I am now and I'd like her to remember that it's nothing to fear. It's just how the wheel spins.

"This Is the End of My Childhood!"

So proclaimed The Girl as she headed back into the dark, tropical depths of the orthodontist's office this morning to have her braces put on. This event was preceded by many days of pre-teen angst and fluttering of stomach. There was some pouting for a short while after the procedure was finished, but all in all I think it wasn't nearly as painful or horrid as she had suspected it would be.
My favorite moment of the day happened right before the appointment. I left work and picked The Girl up from school in my usual t00-prompt manner and we were almost at the orthodontist's office nearly 15 minutes earlier than the appointment time. There's a market right nearby so we decided to go in and see if they had any soft food (for later) or soon-to-be forbidden food she might want to get. We ended up sitting in the car in parking lot of the orthodontist's office with a small container of sour gummy worms on this completely gray, rainy, messy disgusting February day, recklessly eating gummy worms and cracking up at our own dorkiness. Good times!