Marking February Gone

It wasn't the drugs that killed her
they were used to mask the deeper
mental illness
wasn't what killed her either
maybe
her life is what ended her life
all the decisions upon decisions
to take whatever would make her lose control
until she was all out
all she has missed being gone
all who have missed her
even the ones who never met her
who were not here when she was
decisions upon decisions
leave echos and hidden scars

Da Kine

Being kind of sick kind of sucks. My head feels like a bowling ball on my neck. I have no appetite and feel sort of sick but am not actively puking. This is something definitely beyond my regular lethargy, but it's not presenting as actively sick. I don't have to go to work today, but there's plenty of work to do on the house and getting ready to move there and all the other stuff March will bring with it. I'm kind of torn between acting responsibly and resting now so this thing hopefully doesn't develop into the flu that many people around me have been sick with this past week and forcing myself to do stuff, which will most likely make me undoubtedly sick and then I won't feel guilty for resting because I'll be too busy feeling like death to care.

February

I just don't like February. It should be shortened to about 20 days.

Blahentines Day

This was not the day I expected it to be. Yes, it was Valentine's Day. Yes, we had a big storm and schools were canceled and everyone hunkered down and stayed home. My normally bright, shiny, happy girl was sick and camped out on the couch all day long. I shoveled my driveway out twice and later saw it plowed out twice. I spent most of the day at the kitchen table working on a type of translation I haven't done in years. And now I remember why. Translating notes in computer code is boring as hell. It requires extreme visual attention, but not a lot of writing skill. I wouldn't call it brainless, but it lacks the challenge and satisfaction of turning out a finely polished sentence.
I hate it when the girl is sick. I hate that I had to actually spend several hours wondering how to take my sick girl out in the middle of a raging snow storm so she could go to her dad's house due to the stupid custody schedule. (He only lives 5 minutes away and for various reasons, including both the weather and her throwing up several times during the day, we didn't actually head out until the end of the afternoon, but still, why should either of us have to worry about that and why does it all have to be communicated through email and not the phone?) Not enough sleep. No nap today. I felt bad eating when I knew my girl was too sick to consider it. Ass glued to the chair while my eyes bugged out over pages of code. Shoveling was actually a welcome break. At least I got some fresh air and exercise. It'll all get better. I just need a nap, I think.

Snow Day, Sick Day

Today is the first day of this winter that has been officially declared a snow day. My classes are cancelled. My girl's school is cancelled. And my girl is sick. As a kid, I can't think of much worse than being sick on a snow day.
She came and got me up sometime during the night (2-ish? 3-ish?) and told me she wasn't feeling very good. She climbed into my bed and we both slept fitfully for a while, but then I got up to see about school cancellations and she got up and got sick in the bathroom. I tried to sleep after that but wasn't able. She's napping in her room now. I'm (procrastinating on)working on a translation job in my bathrobe at the kitchen table.
I hate when she gets sick on the days she changes houses. I always want to make excuses to keep her with me. From everything I've read, I know that it's very important for a child to spend a lot of time with both her parents even after they have split up. But on days like this I kind of wish I had been more of a bitch at the start and fought to have her be mostly with me.
Today's mantra-- Taking the high road pays off in the end. Take the high road.

Is This It?

According to the official date of the last paper issued by the court, today should be the day my divorce becomes final. (Our divorce? hmm, somehow that sounds funny since a divorce is all about the rendering apart and nothing "our" about it at all.) If no other appeals or motions have been filed then today should be the day. I probably won't receive any notification about it for another several weeks, if the pacing of prior events is anything to go on.
It's been nearly three years since I left him and many more than that since I realized I needed to leave. The trial was eight months ago. The preliminary hearing was about a year before that. It has been so long and dragged out that I'm not sure if this piece of paper is going to make me feel any different. But maybe I'll feel a slightly richer taste of freedom. I moved on so long ago in my heart and mind, now I guess the rest of me is free to follow.

Or Do You Mean the Three Stooges?

Driving the girl to school this morning and "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" comes on the radio.
The Girl: Is this the three old Jewish guys?
Me: Huh?
The Girl: I can't remember who does this song.
Me: The Beastie Boys.
The Girl: Yeah, I couldn't remember the name.
Me: Well, they're like my age so they're not that old...
The Girl: ......

Now I've Seen Everything

I guess the people at Animal Planet have really lost their minds. My girl happened to channel surf onto the Puppy Bowl III. As far as I can tell it's hours of video of puppies frolicking on a set that looks like a football field. Now we're watching the Kitty Half Time show. As you might guess this is a bunch of kittens frolicking to disco music on a stage set filled with kitty toys and tinsel. It's so dumb and yet so highly entertaining.