I have devised a theory as to why it's taking so long (3.5 months since the trial and still waiting) for my divorce decree to come down. Each individual letter of the decree is being flown by carrier pigeon to a Himalayan mountain top where a scribe is painstakingly recording each precious letter in liquefied gold, in Sanskrit. It will then be carried by hand across the continent and handed off to a long distance swimmer who will bring it back across the ocean to the Strafford County Court for proofreading. The court will, of course, need to consult with a Sanskrit expert from the university, who is naturally on sabbatical for this academic year, to ensure the accuracy.
When I finally get the thing I will frame it in all of its gold lettered splendor and put it on my living room wall. Or if it's too many pages, I'll use it to wallpaper my bathroom.